vonnerz

holy shit. in France and absofuckinglutly loving it. i dont want to go home ever again. never ever. no. cant make me!!

so, of course i meet a Frence guy. not any random french guy.. pierres cousin. we were staring @ eachother ALLLL through dinner. he might have been staring at me in a 'why is that canadian girl staring at me so much', but i dont care. almost all the guys here are good looking. damn. i want to take them all home avec moi. especially Franchesco. mmmmm...

the shoppingis amazing.. i spent hours in H&M on, our first day. so beautiful!!

i also just love spending quality time avec Katie et Pierre. we stay up late just talking about EVERYTHING!! je t'aime pierre SO much!!! (but its plutonic).

im already dreading leaving.

haha. 2 sleeps til i go... holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. dont have anything else to say? what can i??







in other news, i still run away when i see him. damn. its like i have this mini panic attack, and cant look at him. poo.

the hardest past to lj i find is the starting and ending of these posts. what to say??

spent last night @ kts..... well, spent it at "kts", while we were @ a party.. :) ok, so it wasnt the best. it was a lambrick party, and when we got there they were kicking MD ppl out. luckily (??) Coltain came to our rescue (good Arby days) and we entered what seemed to be a house just pulsating with kids. my first thought was "ohhhh my god i dont reconize a face". then "omg its dana morch...shes a telephone pole". and then we found some MD ppl and whatnot. football guys started arriving, and (apparently) a fight broke out. willie was covered in someone elses blood (as he proudly showed me 2+ times). then.......(twenty minutes in) the cops come (no big surprise). thank god i was completly sober. so... long short, millioins of kids spilled out onto the street. MD kids congeled around a park, cops came from both sides, and forced drunk kids to go home (oh, and Rein was hiding from a PAROLE OFFICER!). some MD kid got viciously arrested, then we took a cab to starbucks.

gawwwd. never want to experiance that drunk. ever.

peace

cant wait until exams are over. im going to party my ass off with Katie. thats all im excited for.

lately ive stopped caring. ex-my chem mark, as long as i pass, im good to go. no really, i DONT CARE! it feels kind of weird, like i know i should be getting kinda panicky and stressed, but im not. maybe its like a bad defense mechinism my mind created.

i walked home the other day (fri) it was just so beautiful out. i was just thinking about what my life is going to be like later. i mean, i have no idea, but i dont want to stay here all my life. i want to move far far away. and not cause i hate vicky, just cause i need change. if i could i would probably never stay in one place my whole life, but its not like thats gunna happen. the one thought that kapt running through my mind was "is this ALL that there is?? isnt there more??" im not satisfied. i need more, and i dont think i'll ever be able to find what i want/need. will i ever be content with myself and my life? i doubt it. why are we content to sit about and do the same mundane tasks over and over?? I WANT TO LIVE!! i also dont know what that entails. it could mean traveling the world, it could mean curling up with 20 good books. who knows?

its been almost 2 months since i saw him. 2 freaking months, and have i talked to him??? nope. i shouldnt care about it anymore, but i still do. WHYWHYWHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

gaaak.

wow... "facebook" really does seem to be the new lj.

hope everyone has a good new years eve!!

Just finished watching one of my ALL TIME FAVS movie (RIZE) for the 2nd time. And I know yall is like "oh no she didnt", but hunny, I SO DID! and 'sides, its for my dance project (and yeah, im working on it now), it was due last wednesday. Oops.

The way they dance is just SO amazing, I mean I will never come even close to understanding HOW THEY DO IT! I mean girl, come on! Also the reason why they dance... I would just absolutely love to get up in all that and see them dance live. gawwwwd. PLUS the guys (all black btw) are f'ing ripped. Like its muscle heaven. I mean, dawg, this sh*its for real. (hahahaaaa).

My last dance of the year was last night. It was so fun, we got to dress up all Xmassy and whatevs. funfunfun.

Krump, clown, break it on down.

Cant believe that Xmas is how many sleeps away?? 2?? unbelievable. (here comes Santa Claus...) I miss the days when I so looked forward to Xmas morning, and all that. Its just not as magical.

JOSH GROBAN LYRICS

"So She Dances"

A waltz when she walks in the room
She pulls back the hair from her face
She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight
Even her shadow has grace
A waltz for the girl out of reach
She lifts her hands up to the sky
She moves with the music
The song is her lover
The melody's making her cry
So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance
This romance is
From afar calling me silently

A waltz for the chance I should take
But how will I know where to start?
She's spinning between constellations and dreams
Her rhythm is my beating heart

So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance
This romance is
From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
I give up this view just to tell her

When I close my eyes I can see
The spotlights are bright on you and me
We've got the floor
And you're in my arms
How could I ask for more?

So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance
This romance is
From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
And I'm givin' up this view just to tell her

My power come back on @ 10 this morning... it's been out since, like, 2am thursday night. I had to spend ALL friday by myself bundled up, (in about 6 layers of clothes) bored and freezing my ass off. Cranky?? yes, in fact I was. But! We went out for dinner last night, then I went shopping avec ma mere.

Only how many sleeps til Xmas?? Sh*t @ school has been building and building, and this week felt like a huge stress........ ball of stress thing. All I wanted to do was climb into bed and CRY for a day straight. Not fair. I kinda managed to pull it together though. Just.

Wensleys coming over for an "after dinner" thing. (entails chatting and wine). cozy.

Well, I dont think Im going to tell you. If you came, well you should know what happened, but I could see how some of you might have forgotten (!). The beginning was fun and then.... I feel like Ive been crying all day. And I dont want anyone that disapproves of drinking to go "well I knew this was not going to end well" because........well just screw you. I have had about 5 hours of sleep. It sucks.

I lost track of quite a few people during the party. Ex: when did Mimi/Cat leave?? I have no clue. All I did today was clean up. (that includes cleaning the tiolet for all of you that threw up in it).

anyway, Kivz on the phone, g2g discuss the partaaaay.

MY PARTY!

Im pretty excited. But Im also kinda worried that it might just suck, or something bad will happen. Im a worry-wart, what can I say? ON THE OTHER HAND im totally chill about it. I was talking to Lauren (my couz) and she was commenting on how calm I was... I mean, so much could go wrong. Ive done so much housework and cleaning up, its CRAZY! Kat should be here soon, to help with the deco.

I cant keep my mind off the chocolate ice cream. Its driving me CRAZY. And the thing is, realisticly, I might get tired of the chocolate ice cream before I even get to taste it just cause Ive gone over it so many times in my head. Im messed up like that. And am I being immature if I dont give the vanilla a try? According to some of my friends I am. Maybe im just being an immature person, and no one has had the sense or the guts to come out and SAY IT TO MY FACE! The chocolate ice cream might not even be that good, I just need it to taste good. I think I need to get my head sorted out, but I have no idea where to begin.

Does any one even know what I mean by "chocolate ice cream"?? Or what Im getting at? Maybe I should get completely wasted tonight, and forget all about everything.

confusing. I just want to be myself, but who is that??

On a happy note, my bday was amazing. Mostly from the dance (and of course, the "pumpkin" spice latte). The dance was........SO MUCH FUN! I danced with like, 13 guys. (well 13x, some guys more then 1x). mmmmmmmm.... yummy. Everybody kept asking me where Jesse was, but I REALLY didnt care that he didnt want to come. I LOVED that I wasnt tied down.

I dont want to be tied down to nothing. Im 16!! I want to experiance life, do stuff, and never hesitate. If something feels wrong, I shouldnt be doing it. Is that wrong? If I want the chocolate ice-cream, but everyone wants me to try the vanilla, which do I choose??

I would go for the chocolate.

Im so excited for Winter Festivities. This is my favourite time of year I think. (and maybe summer..)

The only problem with this season is the money and gifts I am expected to give to people. I was shopping with Mimis today, and she kept asking me what I was going to get Jesse. I quickly came to the realization that I dont want to get anyone anything. And its not to be harsh, its just the fact that I DONT HAVE AN INCOME!! added to the fact that I am going to Francce in the Spring... what am I supposed to do?? I think I should do a "I wont buy something for you, if you promise not to get me anything" with everyone. I always feel horrible when people get me gifts, and I dont get them anything. This isnt what Xmas is supposed to be about really.

Really, to me, the only thing I really want for Xmas is a big family get-together. Thats it. I love my family, and I love NOTHING more then just spending time with them. Dont get me wrong, I love spending time with other people as well, but I see them so rarely, and I seem to be the happiest just hanging with my cousins. I adore my aunts as well, and I just cant get enough. Maybe its because I am by myself for pretty much all my life, I just feel closer to my family then anyone else. My 2 cousins are coming home from U of C, and I havent seen them for such a long time. I also have a huge family, and I really cant think of a better way to spend the holidays. I use to think Xmas was all about prezzies, but now its more about family, and friends and love.

Whatever, you can laugh, but I really dont care. This is me, these are my ideals. Take it or leave it.

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so I was just thinking about how peachy kean everything is, with the amazing weather and all.... well I guess it couldnt last forever. And its all my fault too. Why do I always have to overstep my boundaries? I end up in good situations, and then I open my mouth, and without thinking utter something stupid. It always come right back at me, rather like a huge slap in the face. Then I dont know how to move past it. Like should I apologize? Just move on? Hope the other person can be the bigger person and do something? My first instinct is to be insulted, and take offence. But if I really try, I can see the issue from their side, and Im definately in the wrong. Maybe Ive wronged them too many times to move on, maybe I need to get my sh*t together first. I may be the biggest hypocrite ever. ever.

Hopefully school will resume tomorrow so I can focus on the less meaningful things in life like tests. You know, not famine, global warming, relationships, AIDs, ect. If I can live my life oblivious, does it mean Im happy?

What else can I say?

nope. no snow. at the moment its snowing in Vancity, and every other place in the world. poo.

YOU HAVE ALL BEEN CORDIALLY INVITED TO VONS 16TH BDAY PARTY!! (dec.6)

*where: my house (my basement)
*when: Dec.9 (sat. night) from like 7-11:30ish
*what: a chill @ my place kinda thing
*extra: BYOB ppls!!


want more details??? just ask.

so im off to a family dinner with ....well.....my family i guess. should be good cause i havent seen my couz for SUCH a long time. and were usually really close. it feels weird. everyone seems to be "down" lately, depressed about things. i think the weather is partly to blame. i love this time of year. it means family, friends, and more family. egg nog, starbucks, fires, snow, prezzies, and SO MUCH MORE.

happy holidays i love you all.

Omg the movie was So fricking hilarous. BUT!! warning: I REPEAT warning: awkward parts.

yeah, i wont go into detail, but yes. awkward. like cringing in ur seat, hoping its over soon.

So, do I have regrets?? yes in fact, I do. Step up to the mic and i might tell you regret number one.........

NO, I LIED, GO AWAY, I DONT WANNA TELL YOU.

Regret 2?? The fact that i practically ran away at the end. What can I say? my parents know nothing. nothing. at all. no knowledge, so I panicked. And all of you that are stepping up saying "well, you gotta tell them sometime" STEP BACK! STEP AWAY FROM ME, DO NOT STEP FORWARD, STEP BACK!! okay, so my point is, you dont know my parents. and I probably dont really either. but i defs think i should wait until they even know he exists. (if youre keeping track, thats von:1, the world:0) ... okay, maybe more like

von:2, everybody else: 40,000

can I ever get anything right????? (and no, please dont anwser that.)

life is tiiiiight. at the moment. for me at least. when people around me are hurting, i just so want to sit down and talk it out, and just show them that i REALLY care for them, when they hurt it hurts me too, and im just trying to be there for them. which is actually odd, just cause i usually RUN like f*ck from conflict and "talks" (just ask my mum). my only problem is i have to be careful not to place too many ...ummm... whats that word???????? shit. oh! um, like hopes and pressure and stuff on people, expecting them to be what their not. I have to leave room for human error.

love me or hate me, its still an obsession
love me or hate me, that is the question,
if you love me then
THANK YOU
if you hate me then
F' you.

So overall this twas a satisfying weekend. Good (but hard) bed (aka: kats FLOOR!), oodles of tv (as always) :) and, well of course the beautiful people. Dinner was godd (but oh so very hot) and the movie was ADORABLE. Sad in bits, but overall feel-good. It felt like an electric currant was running down my arm. Weird. I have to say though, the best part was just coming home (to my 2nd house) and just chilling avec mes filles. (Svea and Kat). It was rather like the good old days (oh, way back when we used to be in black and white)...

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?